I wrote the following piece to express the way I’ve been feeling lately, and have often felt at various points during my life in regards to my physical body. As I’ve previously written on this blog, I’ve struggled in the past from disordered eating and obesity. I can remember from an early age, not feeling “right” in my body. I knew I was chubby or fat and that I needed to lose weight. I never felt good enough because of my weight. As a teen, peer pressure kicked in and I felt the judgment of others, especially boys, as a heavy weight, constantly dragging me down. The constant double-standard of having to be attractive but not too sexy was a very difficult message for any adolescent to manage. Over the past many years, I’ve starved myself through numerous diets, lost and gained weight over-and-over again, and have lost the ability to read my own body’s signals. I often feel completely disconnected from my own body. In so many ways, it doesn’t feel like my own.

Bodies