Excuse me if this post gets a little rant-ish. Maybe you’ll relate to this, maybe you won’t. Maybe your family and friends are your personal cheerleaders. Or maybe your family told you to stop playing with your imaginary friends and get a job. Or maybe your family is like mine and happily supported you back when everyone thought you’d make it big, land a million-dollar publishing contract, and get a movie deal, but fell out of love with your writing once they realized that wasn’t going to happen.
Lack of support. This is a very painful topic, but it’s one I think it’s important to discuss. Writing is largely a solitary endeavor, often undertaken by introverts. But even though we’re introverts and we’ve decided to travel the often lonely path of the writer, we’re still human beings. We crave love, acceptance, and acknowledgement. We crave community, and who better to fulfill our need for human connection than our closest loved ones?
When friends and family belittle our efforts or talk down to us, it hurts. When they ask us questions like, “You’re still doing that writing stuff?” it makes us feel like our talent is unappreciated and that our dreams don’t matter.
Like I said earlier in this post, my family was supportive at first. My mom read my book. My husband promised to read it when it was published. When the first few rejection letters came, my family reassured me I’d find an agent. They stood beside me through the endless round of queries and rejections, celebrated with me when I signed a contract with a publisher, bragged about my book to their friends, and came to my book signing when the first book was released. Sounds pretty sweet, right?
Flash forward almost two years from the publication of that first book, and my family barely asks about my writing anymore. My husbands and kids complain that I’m on the computer too much. The clacking of the keyboard gets on their nerves. I’ve lost count of the amount of times my teenagers have accused me of caring more about my computer than I do about them. They openly resent the amount of time I spend reading and writing, even suggesting quite recently that I find a hobby. The aforementioned quote–“Are you still doing that writing stuff?” That’s from my husband who still has yet to read any of my books. My mom, my sister, and a couple of my friends read my newly released books, but for the majority of my friends and family, my writing is old news.
Maybe it’s my fault my husband and children aren’t enthusiastic about my writing. Maybe I do spend too much time at the computer. Maybe I read too much. There have been times I’ve been so caught up in what I’m writing, I tune out the world around me. It’s understandable that my family would resent me for that.
Or maybe they’re unhappy that the writing has cost me not only time, but money as well. Last year, my royalties did not sufficiently cover what I spent on book covers, domain registration for my website, and other miscellaneous expenses. I had a net loss of about $200. (Though, if you think about it, there are people who spend a lot more than that on hobbies–skiing, scrapbooking, tennis lessons–all those things cost money.) This year, I’ve turned a corner and my writing is now a money-making venture. I don’t make a lot of money, but it’s enough to buy lunch or maybe a tank of gas every month. Still, it’s not enough to buy my family’s tolerance or respect for what I’ve chosen to do with my time.
Why am writing such a depressing blog post? Because I know for a fact there are others like me. Some have it worse. Some have never had their family’s support, not even when their writing was shiny and new and full of possibilities. At least I have a small group of family and friends who are supportive. I’m incredibly grateful to them, and I need to express my gratitude more often. For those of you who have a good support system, be grateful. Hug your supporters. Thank them. For those who feel the sting of rejection from your family, you are not alone. We’ve all been there, some more than others.
If you’re an aspiring writer who doesn’t think you can handle the pain of rejection, I’m here to tell you YOU CAN. Rejection is part of life. It’s part of being a writer. We deal with rejection from agents, from publishers, from reviewers who hate our books, from friends and co-workers who are jealous that we’re following our dream. Spouses and partners will complain that you’re not keeping up with the house the way you used to, even when the house looks fine. Kids will complain that you don’t spend enough time with them, even when you were up all night the night before cleaning up their vomit and holding a cool washcloth to their fevered forehead. Parents will tell you they didn’t pay all that money for you to go to college so you can fritter it away on writing fantasy books. Friends will tell you they won’t buy your book because they don’t like to read your kind of “stuff.” Someone is always going to complain, or try to make you feel crappy about your writing. Will you let that stop you?
You can’t prevent your family from belittling your dream, but you can refuse to back down. You can refuse to feel guilty about the time you spend writing. I stopped feeling guilty a long time ago, but I still allow my family’s criticism to get to me. I get defensive. Sometimes I even grumble about giving up, but I’m usually clacking on the keyboard again within a week.
I’m a writer. It’s what I do. You can call it a hobby, a small business, a waste of time, a guilty pleasure–whatever. I’m still a writer. Are you?
All I Have to Say 
Life is about priorities. When our children are grown, we have more time to fill than we may want. When our husbands are dead, we will miss their presence in our lives, even if we have no regrets. Once we decide to marry and have children, we give up the option of life being, first, about ourselves.
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So you’re saying women shouldn’t have a life of their own? That marriage is essentially a form of slavery to our husband and children? Gee, then why don’t men have to give up watching football & drinking beer on the weekends? Shouldn’t they be devoting all their spare time to their wives and kids? Feel free to drink all the cult Kool-Aid you want, but don’t you dare tell REAL 21st Century women their ‘priorities’ are wrong just because YOU chose to limit yourself to outdated gender roles. My guess: you have zero talent & resent any woman who is successful outside the home, so you feel compelled to lay your passive-aggressive guilt trip on them.
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Reblogged this on Armand Rosamilia and commented:
Great thoughts about when you aren’t supported by friends and family
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Thanks for reblogging.
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Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time, but glad to see you’re not giving up. As a friend quotes, “Haters are motivators.” My family never supported my writing, saying things like, “Only Stephen King can sell books,” “Why don’t you get a ‘real’ job?”, etc. They’d be prouder of my cousins, one who was a lawyer, and treated me like the black sheep of the family. But I never gave in or gave up. Don’t tell me I can’t do something (unless it’s clearly outside the realm of possibility). I take personal challenges very seriously. 🙂
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Good for you! I’m glad you can turn negative comments into a positive. Reading some of the comments on this post, it seems like many of us are having a difficult time. Too many haters out there, I suppose. I wish you the best with your writing.
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I am SOOOOOOOOOO proud of you for writing this and I know how damn hard it must have been. Sadly, I have shared a lot of your experiences as I suspect many other writers have. We’ve both had dreadful ex-publishers, both been through the ring. I’ve been lucky to have my Mum and a small number of close family and friends who have been supportive, but far far more that have been indifferent at best and belittling at worst. I love my family and friends, but I know many of them have never bothered to read my book, simply because it’s ‘not their genre’. My oldest ‘best friend’ of over 20years, has been so totally disinterested that she gave my book away without reading it and her nasty bf at the time grilled me about it in the most aggressive belittling way while she sat smugly and kept silent. Such disparaging remarks could only have come from her. And even when my book was published and was a success, she still didn’t care, never came to my book launch or any of my signings, never asked about it, nothing. I got the distinct impression that she was embarrassed about it, that her opinion was that I was fooling myself, ‘playing at pretend to be a writer’ – ‘who does she think she is?’ sort of thing. In short – it hurts, deeply. I SO feel for you. Lack of support is awful. Like you, I take my writing very seriously and pour my heart and soul into it, and perhaps I’m naïve, but I expected those I love to support me. Many of them have, but not the ones I expected. It has certainly shown a vast difference between true friends and fair-weather friends. I’m very thankful for my Mum and the good friends I have. All I can say sweetie, is to reiterate what you’ve said already. Believe in yourself, never give up, and don’t let others derail your dream. We only have one life, we owe it to ourselves to make it the best life we can. HUGE good luck with everything honey, and if you ever need to chat, I’m here. Take care. 🙂 xxx
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Thanks, Sophie. We have been through a lot together, haven’t we? I never really expected everyone to buy my book, but I was astounded by how many people chose not to acknowledge the existence of it. Maybe they were afraid I’d hit them up for sales. I’m glad you’ve got some supporters, but sorry some of your “friends” showed their true colors.
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Thanks honey. Lol, yes, we have been through the ringer haven’t we? But I’m so sort that you’ve not had the support you deserve. You’re such a lovely person, so giving, an such a damn good writer, to have those nearest and dearest to you not supporting you must really hurt. So sorry sweetie, hopefully one day in the not too distant future, they’ll actually eventually work out how important this is to you and what a huge of your life it is and begin to show some support. Thinking of you honey and sending HUGE hugs. 😀 xxx
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The thing about writing is that it’s not a hobby, more of an extreme sport. You do it basically on your own, inside your own head and space. You converse with fellow enthusiasts on things family don’t understand, and family are only involved when you’ve finished – as spectators of your achievement, or when it all goes wrong and need some comfort. It’s not easy for them to understand and be involved, is it?
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Very true, but family support does make a difference. I’m one of the lucky ones with my family, but my oldest friends have been far from supportive. Never easy I guess. 😉
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Reblogged this on The Road to Nowhere….
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Such an important topic that so many live with. Thank you for this post, Tricia!
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Thank you, Nina.
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Thank you, I needed to read this today.
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You’re very welcome!
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Wow. This is wonderful. Bravo on the depth of fact you addressed head on.
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I considered not posting it, but I’m glad I did. There have been so many wonderful comments on this post. I’m feeling so much better. Thanks for your comment.
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I empathize with you. My mom and my kids are excited, my husband is proud (and finally understands that I really wasn’t just messing on Facebook all that computer time), but my brother has quit speaking to me for publishing a book and not telling him first (it was meant to be a surprise present). Still, my only real regret is not pushing ahead with it sooner, so my dad and sister could have been alive when my book came out. There will always be people looking for an argument, or to find something to be negative about, but you only get one go ’round and you deserve to do the thing that makes your soul happy.
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I’m glad your family is excited for you. Sorry about your brother. I can’t understand why some people react the way they do. Good luck to you. I hope your book sells a million copies. We all deserve to be happy. 🙂
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Valarie, unfortunately with some people it’s always only about them. I bet if you look back on family history, your brother came first. Otherwise, he would understand that publishing a book is a huge undertaking, with no guarantee of success. The fear of failure, equally matched to the fear of success, has kept many of us from finishing our books for way too long. This is the first time I ‘came out’ as a fiction writer to my family, and the miracle was, friends and family offered to be my beta readers … no, no, requested to be my beta readers. I was honored, and they worked hard, believe me! They knew I previously wrote ‘on the job’, but that was different.
You have the people that really matter behind you. I so glad for that. And you have the right attitude. Blessings.
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You’re not kidding when you say you’re not alone – my journey has mirrored yours in many ways. I often try to type silently so I don’t get subjected to the snide remarks and taunts about how I’m wasting time and money on “sh*t nobody reads.”
It’s sometimes painful to see dedications in the front of other writer’s books, when they send heartfelt gratitude to their family. Those of us without such support will push ahead- because we’re writers and that’s what we were born to do- but there’s still an emptiness and pain that seems pop up at the worst possible moments.
Thank you SO MUCH for this post – it’s exactly what I needed to read tonight. 🙂
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Thank you for your comment. Yours and other comments have really helped me today. It’s nice to feel not so alone. Yes, I’m familiar with the snide comments. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me considering most of the snide comments are coming from teenagers. (What do I expect, right?) My hubby is always complaining I don’t want to do anything with him, so I told him I’ll go fishing with him when he reads all my books. I don’t think we’ll be going fishing anytime soon. Good luck. Keep writing. 🙂
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thank you so much for this post.
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🙂 Hope it helped!
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Thank you for writing this. I’m an introvert and I’ve always marched to the beat of a different drum. My writing is important to me and most of my family don’t understand why I am the way I am. It’s worse when they are indifferent when it comes to my life. But luckily, I do have a few friends that do support me. The best thing to do is to never give up, ignore those who don’t support you and celebrate the successes in your life. Take care.
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Introverts are always misunderstood. As an introvert who suffers from anxiety, there are lots of times I prefer to stay at home. My family doesn’t understand this. They blame my writing, saying I’d rather be with my computer than go places with them. I’m glad you have a few friends to support you. I try to chat with other authors who can relate, and that truly does help. Good luck and keep writing.
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You too. 🙂
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My family sees my writing as my “strange hobby”. Once I got an agent and book published, they assured me they’d read it. A couple made a half-hearted attempt, they gave up a few chapters in. I shrug it off. It’s not easy to read a book you’re not interested in to begin with. Eh. I’m long past caring… I’m waiting for one of them to bring up the fact I’m a published author and ask why we’re not rich and living in Hollywood.
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Congratulations on being a published author. I think it’s a wonderful accomplishment, even if your family can’t see it. When I published my first book, I was shocked by how many people wouldn’t read it, even when I offered to give them an e-copy for free. Some people just don’t like to read and you can’t force them.
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First of all just looked at your books. I don’t normally read YA – are they all YA? which should I read – though the one about addiction and mental illness sounds fine. Just in a discussion with another friend talking about how “society” wants only “safe” subjects in books esp sci fic or fantasy. What’s the point in that?
On another note – I did give my book to some people here – it’s poetry and very short fiction. However they did read it and I got a hand written note from one friend and her husband read the book and normally doesn’t read (yeah wierd) but no one purchased it (and yes it’s paperback and expensive due to photos) but still… So glad we met!
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Found this through Nina’s reblog – I feel as if my only friends are the on line ones. I just published a book. It’s not doing well. Okay more publicity is needed. BUT NOT A SINGLE “REAL TIME” FRIEND HAS PURCHASED IT – bitter much? YES
Thank you for this
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Oh, Sue. I’m sorry your “real time friends” haven’t supported you. This seems to be a common theme, though knowing that probably doesn’t make you feel better. It’s hard NOT to be bitter. If you’d like to be featured on Authors to Watch, let me know. Every little bit of publicity helps and I’ll do what I can to help get the word out about your book.
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Reblogged this on KATE JACK'S BLOG and commented:
An article that comes straight from the heart, by Tricia Drammeh. A must read for writers of all genres.
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I know how you feel, Tricia. People are always asking me about my “hobby”, not realising that my writing is much, much more than that to me.
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Thanks for sharing this post, Kate. I know what writing means to you and how hurtful it must be when someone calls it a hobby. Keep writing and doing what makes you happy. I don’t think you could quit writing if you tried. It’s in your soul.
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Some of this rings very true for me too. Not so much the supportive bit as my husband has always encouraged me to write, and a couple of my children have even read my books! Odd members of my family have bought and read the first book but not many and it is hurtful when you know that your sister can’t even be bothered to congratulate you on getting published. I’ve got over it though. I can’t say I don’t care but there seem to be more important things to worry about than what makes my sister so indifferent to what’s so important to me—like how I’m going to work out a happy ending for this Lupa story 🙂
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I’m glad you have a supportive husband. There have been times (mostly in the beginning) when my husband was supportive. He just doesn’t want to read the books. My daughters are the biggest complainers when it comes to the amount of time I spend writing, but they did read my first book and admitted it was pretty good. I guess I can’t expect more than that from a couple of teenagers, right? It’s interesting what you said about your sister’s indifference. I wonder if indifference springs from jealousy. Some people spend so much time denying their own dreams, they’re resentful of those who follow theirs. Just a thought.
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You could be right about my sister. We have always had the classic rivalry syndrome between first and second child. She has been much more successful than I have in the sense that she is materially much richer, has a much more affluent lifestyle, kids who go to fancy schools and get good results. But I suppose I’ll always be the eldest 🙂
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Reblogged this on Dark Gaia Productions and commented:
Haters are the biggest motivators. There’s nothing that gets me in the mood to write quite like the need to show a thing or two to people who just don’t “get it”. When it comes down to it, if you’re serious about being a writer, you have to write for yourself, first and foremost.
Some fantastic thoughts from a writer who has to face haters every day.
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Thanks for the reblog and the comment. I agree–you have to write for yourself.
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Reblogged this on Maegan Provan, Author and commented:
There is not going to be a review today, but I still wanted to post something. This is an amazingly inspirational post from Tricia Drammeh about the depressing fact that sometimes, we don’t always get the support we deserve from those around us. Please take a moment to read this!
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Thanks for sharing my post, Maegan.
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If your parents saying words that let you to put you down, don’t it. DO what makes you happy and you think you can achieve your goals on it, then make it! 🙂 God Bless.
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“Do what makes you happy…” Good advice for everyone!
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Reblogged this on willmacmillanjones and commented:
Struck a chord with me..
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Three years ago, on Authonomy, I was in a similar conversation. I said that my then relationship was worth more than my first book, but probably not my second. After my now ex failed to read anything I had had published, we separated (yes, there were other reasons too: aren’t there always?) That was between book 2 and book 3 coming out. Spooky, eh? I’m on my own now and writing more than ever, and you know what? I wouldn’t go back…
Best of luck Tricia: My only advice is to stay true to yourself. xx
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Thanks for sharing, Will. I’m sorry your ex couldn’t support your writing. I’m glad it has worked out for the best, but I’m sure it was painful at the time. You’re very inspiring. Look at all the books you’ve published now!
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Pingback: Writing can be an isolating business… | Andrea Baker Author
Brilliant Post Tricia, it really made me think.
Having gone through a similar publishing nightmare to your own, I can really understand where you are coming from on this, although I haven’t yet turned a corner into being paid anything.
Reblogged, and my own post with the thoughts this generated.
Take care – even if your family don’t give you the support you need, be assured that your friends will and do xx
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Thanks, Andrea. You’ve got a wonderful book and I’m sure you’ll turn that corner soon. I’m fortunate to have a few family members who have been supportive and I’m grateful to them for their love and encouragement. You’ve been a terrific friend and supporter, and you’re an amazing author as well. 🙂
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Thank You Tricia, and you know how much I love your books 🙂
Those few that support us become our anchor’s in a way don’t they?
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Cheers for expressing the frustration so many creative people live with.
For a writer, writing is as essential as mothering for a mother. To combine the roles is particular difficult, demanding sacrifices with no promise of financial or emotional return. And yet we hope, and expect some kind of confirmation that the effort we put our heart into is worthwhile, appreciated.
Our culture tells us success means money and recognition, and measured by collective standards most artists are fools. Some parents start early on to warn us away from our unprofitable passions. Mine did.
This morning on Melvyn Bragg’s programme I caught a phrase, which, I believe, is from Omar Khayyám: Better a life sparrow than a dead eagle.
Let’s be stubborn …there’s no other way, we must EMBRACE our passion for dear life.
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That’s a beautiful quote. I would much rather my children search for an occupation that gives them fulfillment and happiness, than be the biggest and best at something they hate.
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‘Maybe I read too much. There have been times I’ve been so caught up in what I’m writing, I tune out the world around me. It’s understandable that my family would resent me for that.’
You caught me there. That feeling of not knowing what day or time it is, and not caring, is so precious! It is what brightens our enthusiasm and keeps us sane. Especially home-keepers who have to do all the cleaning up all the time!
It is NOT understandable that your family would resent you for that. If your family loves you, they should rejoice that you find yourself so deeply engrossed in anything. They should embrace you while you escape and care for you. Perhaps your attitude comes over a little ambivalent here? If you think it is understandable that your family would resent you for, effectively, being happy, then maybe you need to stop trying to excuse that. You don’t need to conciliate with other people about your choices.
It is hard, though, balancing all the competing demands on our time. Thank you for this post, and for all your others.
Fran Macilvey, (another published author)
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You’re right. I do sound a little ambivalent. Maybe I was feeling like a jerk for criticizing my family. But, no. They shouldn’t resent me. My children are teens and young adults. Their needs are not being neglected. They should be happy I’ve found something that makes me feel whole. Thank you for supporting my rights as a writer and a human being. May we both find joy in our writing and become engrossed in wonderful books! You’re a wonderful, kind person, Fran. ❤
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I do sympathise, Tricia. Mr Smith and I have argued in the past over the amount of time I spend on what he described as being ‘just a hobby’. And indeed, Mr Smith has never read anything I’ve written (beyond the length of a short story, at any rate). Sometimes that makes me feel sad.
But then, you know, there are other ways to support writers other than reading their books. Mr Smith doesn’t read for pleasure. At all. He wouldn’t enjoy reading one of my books, so why make him endure it? He’s an incredibly busy man who looks after Baby Smith all day while I’m at work, and does freelance work in the evenings, and keeps things going round the house. Just like me, he doesn’t really have time for anything that isn’t work or family. And yet if he doesn’t understand my need to squeeze writing time into that schedule, he at least accepts it. I can’t expect more than that. Because just as I have a right to my own personal passion, I also have an obligation not to let it overwhelm the rest of my life.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is complicated and messy and full of delicate balancing acts. As writers, we’re all trying to fit our personal passion around everything else we’ve got going on: holding down a full-time job, running a household, spending time with our loved ones and so on. Not everyone is going to understand that, and that’s fair enough. But they can at least accept that we ALL need time for ourselves, whatever we choose to do with it. No-one has the right to belittle anyone else’s passions. Because if you love it, it’s never a waste of time.
So, yeah. I wouldn’t expect my friends who don’t read fantasy to read my book just because I wrote it, same as I wouldn’t go to every game my football-loving friend was playing in just because she was in it. But I do expect my family and friends to respect the fact that writing is what makes me me, and to be happy for my successes (big and small) even if they have no interest in them. And in turn I would expect myself to do the same for their passions. Everyone deserves that kind of support.
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Excellent point. My hubby isn’t much of a reader either. It would be nice if he would get excited when I finish writing a book instead of saying, “Good. Now you can take a break from the computer.” But, your comment does put the issue in perspective. I won’t expect my family to turn into cheerleaders, but if they can respect my right to choose how to spend my time, that would be an improvement. Thanks for commenting, AFE. I can’t WAIT to see your book published. Expect to see a review on this blog!
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Pingback: When Your Family Doesn’t Support Your Writing | Kevin Holton
Sweetheart I can tell you for a fact that I know exactly how you feel.
When I had told my family (my brother and mother and daughter) about the fact that I had gotten a contract for my first book, they were a bit enthusiastic about the fact AT FIRST.
As I continued to write and bring out books, the resentment from my brother especially because of the fact that he thinks I need to get a REAL JOB and not something that I do mainly at home. He thought that if I had a job that involved me actually being out and about that this would make a difference. My mom, who hadn’t been very supportive of me over the years, was also apprehensive too. She said that she would read my stories, even though I told her about the Kindle app for the computer so that she could download them, she’s yet to get any of my books at all much less read them.
I had once gotten into a heated argument with my brother about me writing because of a money issue that had arised and once he saw how much I was making was actually more than what he had made himself, he stopped bugging me about my writing.
My daughter however has always been supportive of me, even though she’s too young to read any of my work. She tells her teachers that her mom is a writer, I’ve had them ask for cards as well as some of the parents when I was going to carpool. She has always had my back as I have always had hers whenever she’s wanted to try and do something for I’ve always forged her to go for what she wants, not like how my mom was with me….who whenever I had wanted to do something with my life, she always told me that I couldn’t do that and gave some off the wall comment to where I ended up thinking that maybe she was right, when deep down later on I knew she was wrong.
All I can say is keep doing what you love…..don’t let other discourage you from what you know you were put on this planet to do.
You have a voice….You have ideas and thoughts and dreams that must be brought out into a story.
Much Love,
Jamallah Bergman
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Your daughter sounds like an angel. I’m so glad you have her in your life. I haven’t had to endure the “get a job” lecture, because I was a late bloomer in terms of writing. I already had a full time office job, a husband, and four kids when I wrote my first book. Just remember–writing is a REAL job. You might not make a lot of money at first, but it’s a lot of work. People underestimate how much effort goes into writing, editing, and perfecting a good book.
Thanks for your comment, Jamallah. ❤
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Well done on bringing up what can be a sore issue for many writers. Luckily for me I’ve not had to deal with such extremes (not being married or having kids helps :P) but I do admit it’s a bit lonely when nobody you know in real life wants to read anything you’ve written or take your seriously as an author. I think this has also been exacerbated by how accessible publishing is now, thanks to Amazon etc. Literally anyone can upload stuff and be a writer, and while this is great for exploring new opportunities, it has I think devalued authors as a whole and this contributes to the ‘oh it’s a hobby’ mentality.
I guess however the flipside is that thanks to the Internet we have great writing communities to share our woes and joys with, which wasn’t possible before so we still have somewhere to go to.
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That’s such a good point, Sam. Authors in general are undervalued, so it makes it easy for people to belittle our “hobby.” And, yes, I have found tremendous love and support in the author community.
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Thank you so much for writing this. It saves me a job. No, really. I’ve been tempted to write a ranting post.
It really bothers me that your husband says he’ll read your book AFTER it’s published. As writers we need the support from family and friends before we’ve reached certain milestones.
I often get very envious when I read acknowledgment pages in books. These writers seem to have a whole mass of readers and cheerleaders.
Now reading this…I see other people have it worse than me.
I think we can put family and friends into three categories.
1. Cheerleaders and readers.
2. Apathetic bystanders. They don’t/rarely read your stuff, but they don’t complain about you writing
3. Actually complain about the time, effort, and money you put into writing.
I don’t have any 3’s in my life, but I’m also lacking the 1’s.
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I have a few people in each group you mention. There are people who have it much easier than I do, but there are authors who have it worse. It’s sad that there are so many authors out there who can identify with this post. Lack of support seems to be a very common problem.
I hope you gain a huge group of #1. Everyone deserves cheerleaders.
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I love that you can be so honest and brave to share this. I have to ask, what do your kids and husband do that is such a superior use of time? Would they be upset if you were on facebook for the same amount of time. As long as you spend some time with them too. But they are teenagers. They should have their own lives. No one should be expected to just be a mother or wife. You were a person before you were those things, a unique individual. Being a mother and wife is an extension of who you are, not your main or only identity.
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I agree. We all do things that others see as a waste. Her kids see her writing as a waste, but I’m sure they do things like play sports or hang out at the mall that are both money and time sinks. It’s sad that even her husband doesn’t see how much pain he is causing. Based on what she has written, I can’t help but feel as though they are taking advantage of her.
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Everyone has certain activities they participate in that others might view as a waste. I’m not a fan of TV or hanging at a mall, but others enjoy it. The point is, no one has the right to determine how someone else should spend their free time. I appreciate your comment and your support. It really means a lot to me.
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Tricia, excellent essay. I tweeted it to my followers. I’ve been doing it for 25 years and still do, well past ‘normal’ retirement. Tom.
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Thank you so much for the tweets!
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Reblogged this on Eden Royce – The Dark Geisha and commented:
This is a wonderful article for those writers that don’t have the support of family and friends. It happens more than you’d think. If you enjoyed a writer’s work, tell them. You may be the only one that does.
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The occupation of writing has always been and will always be hard on a relationship. And I think women have it far worse than men, though men aren’t exempt from the “you’re not paying enough attention to me” diatribe. Women are expected to support their husbands but because of some backwards social notion, men aren’t expected nor encouraged to do the same. I supported my exhusband in his dreams of owning/operating a woodworking shop financially, emotionally, and in every other way I could. He supported me in my writing at first, but after a time declared that if I didn’t have a major publication deal within a year then I should call it a hobby and stop spending so much time on what obviously a waste. Exhusband is the key word and though this wasn’t the only problem in our relationship, it became the touch stone of our problems. Before it ended I reduced my writing to a couple of hours on the weekend to make him happy – it didn’t. Every problem that came up got piled on to the excuse of that he was so frustrated I wasn’t spending time with him while he watched tv, even when I stopped writing all together. It was never enough. At some point I realize the problem wasn’t with my writing or creative expression, there were deeper problems he was unwilling to face. My discipline in writing was affected for years after and I’m only just now reconnecting with my love of the craft. This is a good post, and you’re right – It’s okay to demand respect, it’s okay to pursue what makes you happy, it’s okay to reach your dreams and if your family, blood, or otherwise really loves you, they’ll support you. Write if you’re a writer – don’t give up.
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I am definitely NOT going to give up. I enjoy it too much. I’m glad you didn’t quit. You’re a writer. It’s not something you can turn on or off. It’s who you are, not what you do.
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Great post Tricia.. I applaude the honesty. We all know its the thing that resonates best, but we are not all able to lay ourselves bare like that. Props!! the only words I can offer on the topic is to keep in mind that even if you were not writing your family would be complaining about something anyways. Its the way of family life…
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That’s very true. With teenagers, they’re always going to complain about something. For the most part, they’re good kids. When they grow up and have families of their own, they’ll surely see things differently.
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Pingback: Are you supported? Friendship and passing 27,000 hits! | Sophie E Tallis
Reblogged this on Random Acts of Writing and commented:
Every once in a while I get down, thinking about the lack of support I receive from the people whose opinion I value the most, but this posting says it right! You can’t let lack of support stop you, life is full of rejection but only you can decide what is worth it to you! Living your dream is up to you! Make it happen and prove those naysayers wrong!
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Kudos to you and for encouraging others!
This reminded me of a conversation with a friend, who’s a counselor, when I was disappointed that my family ‘absolutely loved’ what I was doing with the family newsletter, but would never read my blog – – Because she knew of past experiences, she just sighed and said,
“Why do you keep looking for approval in areas where you know you’re never going to get it? I LOVE your blog and so do others, so cut it loose.”
🙂
Hang in there and can’t help but say, if nothing else, talk with your teeny-boppers – let them know how important it is to you and make time in the schedule to just hang out with them – my oldest son died at the age of 17, just a few short days after I quit my job of 14 hour days – I wished I had quit that job 3 months earlier – –
Plus, I’ve found that if their needs are addressed and you let your teeny-boppers see you as a person with hopes and dreams, they become your biggest cheerleaders –
My youngest son reads my blog – and I watch his uploaded video game videos with tutorials/commentaries on youtube – He’s gaining a following and we both joke about who is going to make it big first and support the other! 🙂
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TamrahJo, I’m so sorry about your son. I’ve found that I’ve never once regretted not spending enough time at work. It’s always time with my kids that I look back and wish I had more of.
Your friend makes a good point and so do you. Maybe if the kids know they have set times with me where they have undivided attention, they’ll complain less when I’m in my writing cave. It’s worth a shot.
Funny you mentioned your youngest son’s youtube videos. My 13 year old does the same thing. He has a youtube channel with Minecraft tutorials. I love watching him get excited about editing his videos.
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:). Here’s to both our creative families and following dreams! 🙂
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The part when you talk about tuning the world out as you write – that really hit me at my core. I do that too – and I think in a way we need to do that to really get genuine, emotional writing that meets with what our readers are searching for. I have people around me who don’t understand why I choose to write and sometimes it makes me question it. I try not to though because I can’t imagine NOT writing! It’s not a choice! I really appreciate your honesty here and for sharing it with us. I feel like I know you even better now. Big hugs!
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Hugs to you too, Christy. As I read the comments on this post, I realize many of us authors have the same things in common–tuning out the rest of the world when we write, having to field complaints from unsupportive loved ones, and the compulsion to write no matter what. I’ve decided to give up writing, only to be back at the keyboard days (or hours) later. Writing is what we do and we can’t give it up. Keep writing!
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It upsets me so much when people complain about you not having time for them, yet they haven’t spared even ten minutes to read something you’ve written.
Seriously, if you have time to read a magazine on the toilet, surely you have time to read one of my blog posts. If you have time to stare at your phone for 20 mins on the train to work then surely you have time to read a chapter of my book.
When people say you don’t have time for them you also need to look at how much time they are giving you.
And honestly, when you read something someone has written, you ARE spending time with them.
Thank you for writing this, Tricia x
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You’re absolutely right. Some people want your undivided attention 24/7 even if all they’re doing is ignoring you. Sitting in front of the television isn’t spending time together. Read a chapter of my book and I’ll be more apt to take an interest in your hobbies. Well put, Bexy.
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I can’t believe I haven’t commented on this post. I thought I had. I am so sorry you get flack for what you do. Writing is an addiction and it’s so hard to do it when you have other commitments as well.
To be honest, I am very lucky with my lot. My rellies, and many friends, are supportive – my Mum and sister in-law, especially. My husband has the slightly disparaging view that nobody ever makes money in the arts without an insane amount of luck and that my luck quotient will not fit the bill. On the other hand, he doesn’t doubt that my books are good, doesn’t resent me working on them and is supportive of my giving time to them even if he assumes I won’t succeed. There’s no malice in that, indeed, it may simply be that he’s more realistic about it than I am.
Then again, he has had three of his own inventions patented – although in the name of the university he was at, and his erstwhile employer, rather than his own. So he probably sees me as some kind of literary Heath Robinson dreaming up lunatic schemes in the shed! Phnark. He gets the creative process and the parallels between writing and publishing a book and inventing something. Most products/inventions fail regardless of quality. He’ll never read my books. They’re absolutely not his bag so I think he’s rather not read them than do so and not enjoy them. That’s OK with me because he understands why I have to write them and is happy to see me doing anything that makes me happy.
If it means anything, for me, what it all boils down to is this: if you write, you have to believe in what you do. You have to believe whole heartedly, down to your soul, that you’ve written something good. I know I can write. I know the work I’m capable of producing, even if I haven’t yet got close. You know your stuff’s good. That’s what you’ve got to hang onto. It’s hard, really hard but to me, that’s the nub of it. You have to believe in what you do. You have to like it. And if anyone else does it’s gravy.
Cheers
MTM
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Thanks, MT. That’s good advice for anyone–believe in what you do. I really believe in the last book I wrote, and my husband has been reasonably supportive since I released it. My mom and sis have been as well. As for my online family of supporters–they’re the best.
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Good to hear that. Keep going after all, behind every ‘overnight success’ there is usually about 10 years of hard work!. 😉
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So i suppose your kids and husband wouldn’t appreciate me saying “write more!”? 😉
Mine is sort of the opposite. My husband was VERY unsupportive at the beginning (he has still never read a single book, though he has skimmed a couple of short stories) and initially said things like “why don’t you get a real job?” Then I started making money on the book covers, and that was all right, and somehow the book writing has been segued in as acceptable (like you I make enough for a dinner out a month from book sales, LOL!) , in fact now he brags to people that his wife is an author/artist/etc. My mother and brother have been supportive since the beginning, so for that I owe them a lot, but the rest of my family… my mother-in-law and father-in-law were supportive in so far as they bought the books, and my mother-in-law bought books for other people, though neither of them ever read them. My sister-in-laws do read them, and one is super supportive, but my blood family not so much. my aunt in fact said she would never read them. This offended my mother very deeply, but I just let it go because there’s no point. I don’t think any of my “Real Life” friends have read them, either – and I won’t lie there are times when that really bugs me and I think “wtf? I’d read their’s if they wrote something!” but for the most part I try not to think about it.
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I’m glad your husband has come around and is now supportive. It sounds like he’s really proud of you now. I wonder if those other non-supportive family members realize how hurtful it is when they ignore your accomplishment. Even if they’re not big readers, they can at least tell you they’re proud of you. How hard is that?
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Some comments mentioned how hard it is that their loved ones dont bother to read the books. I was thinking about this..and i wonder – could it be that those people are just not that into reading? Or not into the specific genre of the story? Quite a few of my family members never read, i mean novels. They read newspapers but thats entirely different. And i dont think it makes sense to expect them to go and read it for my sake. Reading stories that just dont do anything for you is a really horrible task to do. Its like someone expecting me read their thesis because they finished it. I think showing up at the party is good enough right..?
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That’s a good point. Reading a book you don’t want to read feels like a chore, and some people aren’t readers. I’d settle for “I’m really proud of you. Good job.” I know some authors hound family member by asking, “Did you read my book yet?” I wouldn’t recommend doing that.
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Thank you for liking my blog and for writing this post! For me, it’s not as bad as this (yet) but I fear it may be soon. You see, I have cheerleaders in my family but I also have a husband who has yet to read a word of my writing because he says he’s afraid he’ll be too critical. So, I may be as wildly talented as some of my fans think I am, but he’ll never know. I have a six year old daughter who thinks I’m an awesome writer and wants to be just like me. That helps in the late night hours when I wonder why my husband isn’t more supportive. That also helps when I get the sting of comments from my mother in-law on how my latest book was ’embarrassing’. And then there’s my father who lectured me on my books not being ‘Christian enough’. I’m pretty sure what support I have from him will be gone when he realizes I’m about to write an adult crime novel with some very seedy characters. So, I’m one of the lucky ones to currently have the support I have, but I’m constantly aware of how quickly that can be gone. We writers need to stick together and support each other. You keep doing what you do and don’t give up!
Amy McGuire
Author of The Hope Valley Saga
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I’m familiar with that. After the initial excitement of my first release, support definitely tapered off. I have some people in my family who are very supportive and will read anything I write, and then others who barely acknowledge that I write at all. I do worry about how some of my evangelical relatives with react to my paranormal reads. I’m very grateful to the people in my life who are in my corner and I’m glad you have a cheerleading section. I hope they stick with you, but you’re right–writers need to stick together. We know better than anyone else what fellow authors are going through.
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Such an emotive post, Tricia. I shed a few tears reading it and then cried through the comments. I have had it the opposite to you. Starting out my husband didn’t show any interest and still hasn’t read anything I’ve written. Now that I’m making money from my books he’s beginning to see my writing in a different light. My kids are all grown up and thankfully have been supportive. Thank goodness for mothers, mine sells my books on her stall and stalks everyone with a kindle, giving them my card. Never give up from lack of support, you can do it all on your own, if you have to, and there are plenty of us out there doing the same thing, because we love to write. I really appreciate blogs like yours, where I can find like-minded people.
I’m reblogging this. It definitely needs to be shared.
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I’m so glad your family is supportive. The comments here seem to be a mixed bag. There are some authors who have it so much worse than I do, and yes, you can feel the pain in their comments. Thanks for sharing the post on your blog, Jean.
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Reblogged this on The Writers' Workshop Blog and commented:
Two years ago, when anyone asked me what I worked at I used to say I was a nail technician and never mentioned the fact that I had written a book. Nowadays, even though I still have my salon and work there part time, I tell people I am a writer and most times don’t even mention that I do nails. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am a writer first and foremost, whether or not I earn a living from it.
I left it too long to write that first book. Now I’m making up for lost time. I would advise anyone whatever age they may be, with or without support from family and friends, to keep writing and never give up unless they hate it. Because if you love writing and suppress that desire, you will feel empty inside. Thank you for highlighting the realities of coping with lack of support. It helps to know there are so many other writers dealing with the same and coping magnificently.
Thank you Tricia Drammeh for such a thought provoking piece of writing.
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Reblogged this on LindaSTaylor and commented:
I meant to reblog this last month and time once again got away from me. But this topic is a thorn in many writers’ lives. It has been mentioned over and over in threads I’ve started on LinkedIn, as it is here, along with the question of when to call yourself a writer or an author. We each handle our journey in our own way. But we must remember, it is our journey only! Those friends who break your heart by having no interest in your passion will slowly have less time and impact in your life, not because they leave, but because you lose patience with their me-me-me attitude. Some of them are genuine enough that they’re afraid they won’t like your writing and that might injure your friendship so they ignore the elephant in the room foolishly, instead of expressing their feelings. Writers: Do yourselves a favor: learn to grow a thick skin, and look at all the reasons why someone bashes your work or devotion to your passion. A small paradigm shift on your side helps to smooth things on their side. Never give up unless it’s your choice, and try your best to avoid one-sided relationships. It can’t be all about them, nor can it be all about you! Keep Calm and Write On!
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Tricia — I swear without you my blog would have flat-lined! I should have written this post based on the number of writers who have complained to me about it. I am working on (finally) setting priorities and giving up what doesn’t work for me, instead of thinking I can keep doing it all and still get my book out! This subject is touchy and painful for many writers. Not everyone understands that writing is a practice and an art, not an assembly line widget maker. I’ve heard several of the comments you mention above, including “What? Your book’s not published yet?” And yet, everyone complains when they get books with poor grammar and typos! Well I guess that should be an easy fix, right? I am still finding mistakes even after a minimum of 15 reads spread over 6 people! Not so easy, is it? And I haven’t gone to an editor yet. Oi Vey!
Peace and Love, my writerly friends.
Namaste.
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Exactly! I’ve seen some writers who can crank out a novel a month, but I’m not one of them. Non-writers have a difficult time understanding everything that goes into crafting a novel. It involves an incredible amount of work. Like you said, it is an art.
Good luck with your edits. I firmly believe the editing process separates the hobbyists from the professionals. It’s take real courage to survive edits!
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Thanks, Tricia. From your lips …
Hopefully this time next year I’ll be complaining about editing my second book!
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Ouch! This was a brave post and I salute you for it. Sometimes people are resentful of another person’s passions, especially if they themselves don’t have some. It is interesting to note who supports you and who doesn’t. It may say more about their character and concern for you than it says about you. Keep to your passions. They will never desert you! And bravo and kudos to you too! This piece was excellently written and revealed.
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Thank you so much, Cindy.
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When writing is in your blood, it’s there to stay. You might want to ask each of those family members how they would like it if you pestered them to give up a favourite sport or pastime. Writers are vulnerable to all sorts of abuse, especially at first. If they survive all that and come out of it still writing, they carry with them the strength to go on.
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I have asked that very question, and usually receive a mumbled response. I think you’re absolutely right–those of us who get past the initial challenges of rejection, mockery, and disdain are here to stay!
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Yes, they don’t like it when such a suggestion comes at them!
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My family and friends were so supportive when the first book came out and then found it was a series, their enthusiasm died quickly thinking I was going to ask them to buy each book. After a while, they just asked how many books do you have out now? Then quickly change the subject when I start talking about my latest book. Now, half of them think I am rich making all that money and hiding it from everyone. I tell them it takes a lot of time before an author becomes well known enough to sell many books unless they spend gobs of money on promotion. They just look at my like I’m lying or something. I keep on writing and publishing my books but avoid talking about my books most of the time. I write because I love to write and when a story starts rolling around in my head, it has to be told. Keep writing just for the joy of it and be happy.
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I’m sorry your friends and family have lost their enthusiasm for your writing. People who think all writers are millionaires–that could be a whole post in itself. Last year, I lost money writing. Once I factored in promotional materials, website domains, book cover, etc, I lost money. Like any business, it takes a while to build momentum. I’m glad you’re still writing. Those who are meant to be writers keep writing no matter what.
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