Today, I’m going to explore a very serious issue facing young women today: Vampire Dating. I won’t get into the psychological implications of society’s fascination with the undead (girls fantasizing about being with an older, experienced man who still looks good, the incredible appeal of immortality, the idea that there is a soul mate out there for everyone and if the whole vamp things pans out, you can live with your one true love forever…) Analyzing vampire books and media is overdone and boring, so we won’t go there.

They say art imitates life. I don’t know if this is true, but if it is, then we have a problem. If vampire novels and movies are based on plausible scenarios, this means there are legions of young women who might be faced with a serious dating dilemma. Readers just like you might be forced to decide: Should I date a vampire?

Okay, okay… I can hear everyone asking, “Is she serious?” Yes. I am. Isn’t it better to be prepared rather than blindsided when that pale, nocturnal, enigmatic stranger asks you out? Ladies, shouldn’t we think with our heads rather than our hearts? If we are to believe vampire novels, women tend to fall into these relationships; they’re already in love before they realize what it is they’ve gotten themselves into. I suggest we all take a step back and consider vampire/human relationships logically. That we take emotion out of the equation for just a moment and consider the pros and cons of pursuing a relationship with an immortal.

Dietary Habits:

• Pros: Your boyfriend doesn’t eat real food like an ordinary guy, so there’s more double-chocolate fudge cake for you. Yippee!
• Cons: You’ll look like a greedy glutton as you’re plunging into the cake while your boyfriend watches with amusement/ disgust. Plus, he might decide to eat you.

Attractive Appearance:

• Pros: Your boyfriend will look totally hot forever.He’ll never age, never get a pot-belly, never wrinkle, never sag, never have morning breath, etc.
• Cons: Until the ‘transition’ takes place, you will continue to age, have morning breath, have to shave your legs, etc. Imagine the pressure of having to look good all the time, always knowing that he looks perfect?

The Secrets:

• Pros: It’s fun to know stuff other people don’t know. People will know there’s something different about you, but they won’t know what it is.
• Cons: Secrets are only fun if you can whisper them to certain people with the standard disclaimer, “Don’t tell anyone,” all the while knowing they’ll tell someone else who will tell other people, and soon everyone will know how cool you are, and you’ll be the talk of the whole high school! Seriously, if your boyfriend is a vampire, you can’t tell anyone. Ever.

Immortality:

• Pros: Your boyfriend will live forever! If you’re lucky, he’ll cut you in on the deal and you can live forever too.
• Cons: If things go wrong, you might not get the immortality you bargained for. If he breaks it off with you, you’ll spend the rest of your (dying) days crying over the vamp who left you behind. If you break it off with him, and he doesn’t take your rejection well, and if he’s one of those obsessive types (see obsessive and possessive nature below) he can stalk you forever. Literally! He can make your life a living hell for as long as you live and there’s nothing you can do. If you’re lucky, he’ll kill you and get it over with. Worst case scenario is this: He follows you around for the rest of your life, biting holes in your tires, leaving bloody corpses in your front yard as a reminder of your love, and making a general nuisance of himself. He’ll watch you grow old and laugh at your saggy, baggy wrinkles. But, that’s only the worst case scenario. That won’t happen, right?

Obsessive and Possessive Nature:

(Note: Not all vampires will possess an obsessive nature, but if popular media is to be believed – and when have they ever lied to us before? – most vampires are very possessive creatures and will fight to the death for the woman they love)

• Pros: Your boyfriend will love you so much, he’ll never let any other guy near you. Everyone will be jealous that you scored a totally hot guy who loves you so, so, so much that he can’t stand to be away from you for one single second!
• Cons: Your boyfriend won’t leave you alone for one single second. When will you have time to shave, or use the powder room, or brush your teeth? Sure, it’s nice to have someone who hangs on your every word, but sometimes you might need some ‘me’ time. If you are a minor still living at home, your boyfriend’s obsessive nature might trigger parental concern. Many states have anti-stalking laws, so you might need to caution your boyfriend to rein in his more obsessive traits until you’re of legal age. Just a thought.

Super Powers:

• Pros: Your boyfriend can use his supernatural abilities to do stuff to make your life easier. He can persuade teachers to cancel tests, he can rearrange your whole room with his amazing mind powers, and kick the snot out of any ex-boyfriends who try to mess with you.
• Cons: If he’s telepathic, he can read minds. He might read yours. He might find out about the time you used your dad’s deodorant because you ran out of your own. He might find out you read this post and you’re more vampire dating savvy than he expected.

Dear readers, I hope you’ve found this post helpful. The next time a vampire asks you out, you have the information to make an informed decision about your dating options. Should you decide to enter into such a relationship, you know what to look out for. You know how to use the vampire’s unique traits to your advantage. And, you know to ask for him to share the gift of immortality before things go awry and he leaves you, taking his gift with him.

Remember: knowledge is power, ladies.