Zombies on the Brain

There are two sides to every story. Why should the Zombie Apocalypse be any different? I’ve read the Zombie books—we all have. Each story stresses the importance of preparation. Each tale explores the worst case scenario, the cataclysmic zombie invasion, the end of civilization as we know it. What if the Zombie invasion isn’t quite as invasive as we’ve anticipated? What if Zombies descend upon us in a trickle instead of a stream?
Imagine a world where Zombies are a way of life, where infomercials promise us the latest in Zombie repellent, and flesh-eaters petition for equal rights. Zombies are people too. They are brothers, sons, husbands, and fathers. They are sisters, daughters, wives, and mothers. Accept them. Love them.
Zombie Rights are Human Rights
A Public Service Announcement
Do you have a friend or a loved-one who has fallen victim to the devastating Virus sweeping the nation? Every day, hundreds of people contract the Virus through no fault of their own, yet are subjected to discrimination, threats, and violence. Here at the Center for Zombie Awareness and Tolerance, we believe in creating a world where viral and non-viral persons can live in harmony. Our Virus Awareness Counselors are standing by, ready to take your call. Whether it’s a question about how you can re-integrate your infected loved-one back into your household, or if you just need to share your concerns about the viral in your community, our trained operators can assist you with all your Zombie related needs.
My brother-in-law has been infected for about a month and my wife forced me to re-integrate him back into our household. He recently ate my dog. How do I get past this incident and forgive him? Or, more importantly, how do I get him to move out and into a place of his own so he’ll stop getting brain-matter all over my sofa?
There are several steps you can take which will assist both you and your brother in your efforts to re-integrate.
  • Take a deep breath. You’ve made the first step toward acceptance by admitting there is a problem.
  • Accept that the Virus is an illness.
  • Stop playing “The Blame Game.” You can’t blame your brother-in-law for his urges. You can’t blame yourself for your feelings of anger. Only through love and acceptance can you learn to forgive.
  • Start a dialogue. It’s important to talk to your infected loved-one, even if the Virus has progressed to the stage where he can no longer understand you. He may not be capable of speech, but sometimes a friendly hug is enough to show you care.
  • Hide your pets and small children. Sleep with your bedroom door locked, your gun loaded, and one eye open.
I think my wife might have the virus. What steps should I take to ensure that she is able to remain in the household?
There are many steps you can take to ease the transition as her Virus progresses:
·         Make certain you provide healthful treats which will satisfy her cravings and reduce her urge to eat family members and neighbors.
·         To keep family life as normal as possible, remember to include her in outings, daytrips, and other activities. The Infected tend to become anti-social as the Virus progresses, so it’s important to be understanding when she just doesn’t feel like getting out.
·         To keep that “spice” in your marriage, there is a wide array of air-fresheners and alcoholic beverages which can assist you in easing into those romantic moments. Just remember that a “little nibble” is often a sign of danger.
·         Hide your pets and small children. Sleep with your bedroom door locked, your gun loaded, and one eye open.
The company I work for is very anti-Zombie. How can I raise awareness in the workplace and help foster a feeling of goodwill toward the Infected in our community.
Anti-Zombie attitudes are very prevalent in our society. Unfortunately, current laws do not prohibit Zombie discrimination in the workplace. But, fear not! There are some things you can do to help.  
·         Start a dialogue with your co-workers. Sometimes people are just waiting for someone to take that first step. Once your co-workers realize you have an attitude of acceptance and tolerance, they will come to you with questions. Be ready to share!
·         Petition your Human Resources Department and demand equal rights for the Infected. Ask about your company’s hiring policy and if possible, recommend an Infected friend for a job opening.
·         Re-evaluate your company’s security policies. An atmosphere of fear adds to the problem. Consider an “open door policy” that welcomes everyone!

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