From eight until five, I’m stuck in a cube, crunching numbers and cursing at my printer.I’m not entirely sure I’m well-suited for office work, and I believe my suspicions were confirmed this week. My boss has decided to send me to a seminar which promises to help me complete tasks more efficiently, stay organized, and say no when other people try to impose their priorities on me. Time will tell…
Judging from the prices they charge, the seminar people make a killing off teaching poor, unfortunate office workers how to better slave away in the cubicles of America. But, seriously, how difficult can it be to throw together one of these seminars? I mean, anyone could do it, right? So, in an effort to share my valuable skills with others, I’ve come up with a list of prospective seminar topics:
The “How To” Series:
· F*** this S***: How to reduce your workload using temper tantrums and thinly veiled threats
· Rebel Hell: How to use Country music as psychological warfare
· Going Forward: How to pretend you know stuff by using big words and stupid office-speak.
· I Have to Do Everything: How to act like you’re busier than everyone else using nothing but a stack of blank papers and a file folder
· Sugar Rush: How to survive on nothing but coffee, sugar packets, and vending machine food
· This Cubicle Ain’t Big Enough For the Two of Us: How to avoid the Office Creeper (see The Office Armory)
· Backstabbing for Beginners
· Kissing-up for Cash: How to snag that raise
The Office Make-over
· Learn how to use office supplies to enhance your appearance and create a more beautiful “you”
· Learn to use correction fluid to create a professional-looking manicure
· Lunchroom facials (put those used coffee grounds to good use)
· Learn the art of the paper-clip upsweep hair-do
· Do’s and don’ts of using highlighters in place of cosmetics
Your Stapler, Your Friend
· Learn to use a common desktop stapler to repair hemlines or make quick alterations. Never pay a tailor again!
· Learn to use a heavy-duty stapler to repair handbags and shoes
The Office Armory
· Learn to turn paper clips into a lethal weapon
· The Rubber Band Ball—it’s not just for kids
· Build your arsenal using common office supplies
Violence in the Workplace
· How to use it to your advantage
· How to tell the difference between emergency or entertainment
· Prerequisite: The Office Armory
The Zombie Apocalypse: Preparation Begins in the Workplace
· When the Zombies come, what is your escape plan?
· Can you outrun the Zombies, or more importantly, can you outrun the guy in the cubicle next to you? Who will you sacrifice to escape?
· Which office supplies can be used as weapons?
· Learn to create a barricade using cubicle walls, discarded office supplies, and your boss
· Prerequisite: The Office Armory
All I Have to Say 